and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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