I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
