i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
