I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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