Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can't put those talents on a resume
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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