1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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