i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
