woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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