Who did Billy Mays play for?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
