I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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