She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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