Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
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