why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
All I want is dick and wine.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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