How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you would pick up someone in the library
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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