Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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