btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
