The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
