Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
