Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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