the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
