im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
