Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
