Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
