Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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