So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
