He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
