Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I want her autograph on my taint
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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