i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
