if i died would you start the facebook group?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
