i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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