Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
