Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
