Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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