Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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