Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
