Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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