we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
