Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
