she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
