i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
