I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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