his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
