I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
