Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
