Someone shit on the floor
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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