so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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