If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How drunk are you?
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