not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
