I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
