Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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