I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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