Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
