you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
