deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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