I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
