there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
