I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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