this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
