She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
