Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
