she sounds like chewbacca in bed
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize