Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm at about main and main street
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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