you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
